saturday night laughs

Posted on April 18, 2009

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I don’t know if you have ever come across this site, but I occasionally drop by Stuff Christians Like for a good time when I’m bored.  It is an absolutely tongue-in-cheek, sometimes-serious-but-mostly-satirical treatment of common bizarre behaviors found in the Christian subculture.  Having spent a significant amount of time around Christians these last fifteen years or so, I find it to be a breath of fresh air and always find myself thinking, “I know, what’s up with that??!!”

Here is one that I am laughing out loud about tonight: #523: Singing with their eyes closed.  An excerpt (read the whole thing here):

How do people who sing with their eyes closed know all the words? It’s uncanny. You watch them, and even on the new songs that a music minister introduces or the choruses that a special music performer asks the congregation to join in, they don’t miss a beat.

Do they get advance warning on what the songs are going to be? Are they coming to church early each Sunday and memorizing what’s going to be performed? Are they doing the “watermelon” and just mumbling “watermelon, watermelon” in a holy-looking way so that it looks like they’re singing along with the words? How in the world does someone singing with their eyes shut know all the words to all the songs in the world?

The truth is we don’t. Even though I’ve only been a card-carrying member of the singing with your eyes closed society for a very short time, I’ve learned a few tricks that I’ll be happy to share with you.

At the start of the song, read as many of the words as possible. This is the equivalent to taking a huge breath before you go under water. Breathe in as many words as you can, and then shut your eyes tightly.

Eventually though, you’re going to run out of words. It happens to the best of us and you’re going to need to come up for some lyrics. If you’re an amateur, you can crack your eyelids a little and peek, but there’s really no honor in that. Instead, try a distraction technique like a fake sneeze. Make it a big one, then open your eyes like, “Wow, that was a big sneeze.” Look through your stuff like you’re looking for a Kleenex, all the while sneaking glances at the words you’re unfamiliar with. Blow your nose dramatically, reading along as quickly as you can. No one’s going to criticize you for taking care of what appears to be either a cold or allergy with your eyes open . . . .

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